Today’s blog I just wanted to talk a little about the kind of week I’ve had, as I’ve found it to be one that has been very transitional and one that has caused me to change a few things.
Over the last month or so, and especially this week, I have struggled with my anxiety. I have always suffered from social anxiety which I felt held me back from a lot of things, but this week has shown me that generalised anxiety can completely debilitate you. It is paralysing and all consuming. I am well aware of how dramatic that sounds, but until you experience it, you don’t realise how much it consumes your life.
I have been struggling with a strong character at work. She points out every little thing that I do, not even necessarily in a bad way. I could be doing something and she will ask what I’m doing. This is enough to set my anxiety off, making me think that what I’m doing is wrong, stupid, or weird. Yea, anxiety is fun times guys!
I’ve let this go on for a while and let it bother me, but by the end of the week I was ready to burst. But I didn’t. All I simply did was say no for once. When she told me to do something (as she frequently does) I said no. And it worked. The next day, nothing. I like this girl, in fact she has really helped me through some hard times, but as I said she is a strong character. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with anything that you don’t like or that makes you feel anything negative. I didn’t hurt her feelings by snapping, and I didn’t just bend over backwards and let her get on with it. I just grew some balls and stuck up for myself. And now work is better, for now.
Another thing that I’ve found hard, and that I think has been the crux of this kind of background general anxiety, is men. Damned men. Actually, I’d like to rephrase that; relationships. Damned relationships. I hate blaming it on men all the time, gender frankly has nothing to do with it.
Anyway, back to the story. My ex came back into my life by texting me, and basically telling me everything I wanted to here two years ago. Very confusing. So this really played on my mind for a while. Do I get back with him, do I ignore him, do I see how it goes. It took me bloody ages to conclude that there was another option of, DO NOTHING. Why do I need to do anything? He messed up, he has the responsibility. If things are meant to happen, they will happen. If he really, truly wants me, he will show me. Just gotta chill.
On top of the ex sitch, I also have this guy that I may slightly, just a teeeeny bit, maybe have a crush on. Let me tell you, I do not get crushes on people. Nuh uh. Not since year 7. Doesn’t happen. But here we are; HELLOO inconvenient, confusing feelings. And he’s moving to another COUNTRY. My life guys, my life.
Anywhoozle, as much as I do like this guy and he has been an absolute rock to me through some hard times, he’s a lukewarm bath. Hot and cold. Sometimes there, sometimes non-existent. And yno what, I don’t need that. So, guess what imma do; nothing.
You may have noticed a pattern here, I like to do nothing. Because I think we stress ourselves out so much because we feel like we are meant to solve all of the world’s problems and our own. We don’t! We really don’t, sometimes we can just sit back, look after ourselves, and life will take its course. I’ve deleted a couple of my social medias because, the way I see it, if someone wants to hear about my life or I want to hear about theirs, I’ll ask them. Then that’s one less thing messing with my head. One less picture of someone in Australia living it up on their gap year whilst I drag my freezing cold feet through snow sludge on my way to my minimum wage job. (I’m feeling a blog coming on to talk about social media at some point).
I’ve been having panic attacks in my sleep which is completely terrifying and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. This is the symptom of this general anxiety that I’ve found hardest to deal with. Have any of you ever had this? I’d love to find out why it happens at night. Waking up in complete darkness feeling scared of something you can’t put your finger on is like something out of a horror movie.
Another one is the agitation UGH this drives me insane. I hate upsetting people in any way. As I’m typing this my Dad is breathing a tad too loud and I need to move but I don’t want to upset him by moving, so I’ll just sit here and get more and more angry and hate myself for it. …and breathe. See what I mean?
I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading this blog, it was a bit of a random one but writing about these things helps me, and I hope in turn it helps someone else too.
I’d love to hear some of your experiences and your thoughts in the comments below 🙂
Until next time!
Love and Lemons x